It's times like this when I wish someone or something (I'm not really picky) would just rip out my intestines with a fork. Or cut my heart out with a spoon ("because its dull you twit, it'll hurt more!") Or give me 1000 papercuts on my face. Or stick my nostrils together with crazy-glue. Or force me to jump naked on huge pile of thumbtacks. Or push me into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor baldes. Or shove my hand in a blender. Or make me clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tounge. Or treat me like a chicken that got caught in a tractor's nuts. Or slam my unit in drawer OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER until it's flat like a pancake (let me stop lying, ok like a kindergardener's little, plastic wont hurt yourself cause the edges arent sharp, ruler.) SWEET BABY JESUS! Is at all possible for anything good to happen for more than a period of 5 minutes? Anyone? Anyone?... yeah thats what I thought.
By the way, if there is anyone out there in TV land that is willing to perform any of the above acts on me, please feel free to call me at 1-800-LIF-SUCKS. I'm manning the phones 24/7. Or if you just need someone to talk to, feel free to call and verbally berate me to very best of your ability. No cut down is to small! All are welcome! I guarrantee you that anything you could possibly throw at me could not come close to the curveballs good 'ol LIFE has given me. But, if you feel you're up to it, BRING IT ON!
all major credit cards excepted. void where prohibited.