Thursday, September 22, 2005

Who came up with that?

If you're anything like myself, you may sometimes sit around and contemplate things that may be so incredibly profound and thought-provoking, that it may very well be the key to our very existence on this minuscule little grain of sand floating on the never-ending froth of some ridiculousy large ocean, which goes on forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and...(WHACK!) Whoa sorry about that. Tend to zone out every once in a while. Wow, where the hell was I? Oh yeah.
So, I was sitting there, contemplating the fabric of our universe, when all of a sudden a question popped into my head. Who the F*#! came up with the phrase, "I gotta go so bad, my back teeth are floating!"?? I mean, did this person actually experience their own urine getting so backed up inside their bladder, that it made its way all the way up the esophogus, into the mouth? And then the teeth just suddley popped out of the gums, and began floating around inside their mouth like a bunch of baby-ruths in a swimming pool? Use the bushes for goodness sake man! Piss on a baby. Do what ever you gotta do, but sweet holy god, dont float your molars with your own liquid. Not a tic tac in the word is gonna be your friend after that.
This is the kind of shit I think about ALL the time.

Friday, September 16, 2005

The Whole F-ing World's Against Me Dude, I Swear to God.

It's times like this when I wish someone or something (I'm not really picky) would just rip out my intestines with a fork. Or cut my heart out with a spoon ("because its dull you twit, it'll hurt more!") Or give me 1000 papercuts on my face. Or stick my nostrils together with crazy-glue. Or force me to jump naked on huge pile of thumbtacks. Or push me into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor baldes. Or shove my hand in a blender. Or make me clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tounge. Or treat me like a chicken that got caught in a tractor's nuts. Or slam my unit in drawer OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER until it's flat like a pancake (let me stop lying, ok like a kindergardener's little, plastic wont hurt yourself cause the edges arent sharp, ruler.) SWEET BABY JESUS! Is at all possible for anything good to happen for more than a period of 5 minutes? Anyone? Anyone?... yeah thats what I thought.

By the way, if there is anyone out there in TV land that is willing to perform any of the above acts on me, please feel free to call me at 1-800-LIF-SUCKS. I'm manning the phones 24/7. Or if you just need someone to talk to, feel free to call and verbally berate me to very best of your ability. No cut down is to small! All are welcome! I guarrantee you that anything you could possibly throw at me could not come close to the curveballs good 'ol LIFE has given me. But, if you feel you're up to it, BRING IT ON!

all major credit cards excepted. void where prohibited.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Not what he seems...

This is a picture of my baby brother. "Adorable"...I know. This picture was actually taken off an old home movie paused at just the right time to capture this wonderful shot. Anyway, whilst converting this picture to a digital composite file so it is able to be immortalized on the glory that is cyberspace, something rather peculiar happened. At the end of the converting process, I got not 1 but 2 files. Curious, I opened the 1st one. What I found was the lovely picture you see above. Then, I opened the 2nd file. And what appeared before my eyes flabbergasted me to the very fiber of my being! I couldn’t believe my eyes! Could it be!? Is my laptop computer actually revealing what I had long since thought was true? Are my suspicions of the last 22 years finally being concluded with actual, concrete, irrefutable proof? Is my dear, sweet, baby brother not what he seems? Is he in fact...not even human!?!

See for yourself...

BEHOLD!! THE TRUTH ABOUT MY BROTHER FINALLY REVEALED!! They all said I was crazy! But this will show'em, this will show'em all!! No longer will I be cast aside as the lunatic I once was! Now I am part of a whole NEW breed of lunacy! You will all bow down before him one day! You will all live in fear! Where as I will go forth, secure in the knowledge that when the world is his, my death will be quick and painless. At least, that what he says anyway...

A small word of advice...see if your siblings are human. It might just clear things up for you.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Healthy Obsession

Is there such a thing as a "healthy obsession"? I mean you always hear the opposite term. Like in the news or something. You're flipping through the channels trying to find Howard the Duck which is airing for the first time on TBS with the never-before seen added scene in which Howard magically turns into a human, gets to make mad passionate love with Lea Thompson, takes her to this garage in the middle of downtown where Tim Robbins has just finished putting the second coat of wax on his brand new DeLorean, and Howard and Lea steal it to go back in time to put right what once went wrong, but as soon as they are lifted into the air in the hover-converted vehicle and hit 88mph, they crash into a hillside in a giant fireball and they...DIE! I think they decided to cut the scene out ultimately because it was about 20 min into the film when all this happens and George Lucas decided it would be better to let the movie continue in its previously written course. I think his actual words were..."HEY *$%! OFF! I'M GEORGE LUCAS! THIS IS GONNA DO FOR DUCKS WHAT 'STAR WARS' DID FOR LIGHTSABERS!" Anyway, what was I saying? OH YES! Obsessions. Yeah... I don't really have any I don't think. How about you?

Only the beginning...or is it?

Seeing as this is the first of what I am sure will blossom into many interesting, poiniant, topical, insightful, IQ altering posts of the most random things that one could write about, I'd like to take this time to welcome you all to the truly existential quandry that is my mind. Take heed, and beware for you may not like what you find. You may not understand what you find. You may not laugh at what you find. You may not give a @*%! at what you find. Nonetheless, I do welcome you all, and my hope is that I will touch each and every one of you in some way.(and some I hope to touch more than once.) Enjoy your stay, and may the schwartz be with you.