Why is it so hard to blog???

Ok, so pretty much a year ago i said that i would be posting blogs again and all would be great, and the planets would align, and the world would be at peace, and blah blah blah, yackity schmackity...

HOWEVER, it seems that every freaking time i wanted to sit down and "blog" about something, anything...NOTHING HAPPENS!! dear god, its like some sort of tumultuous black hole just comes down from out of the abyss and sucks up all the wicked cool and great amazing things that i have to say. leaving me with nothing but an empty brain, motionless typing fingers, and a truly unfortunate look on my face.

but alas, it is what it is. i suppose a tad more effort on my part is needed for the successful completion of a blog post. in reality, this is just supposed to be random spewed thoughts about things, and things, and other...things. so why worry about the content, or whether its funny, chances are you are not even reading this in the first place. and if you are, i apologize for the minutes you will never get back after you're done. i'll reimburse you somehow, someway. just let me know!

oh and since i didnt really have a picture to go with this: perhaps this will make you laugh since im fairly certain none of the above did in the least.

Photoshop Phun!

Those closest to me are aware that I quite enjoy some good ol' fashioned photoshop fun! It's one of my favorite things to do. So, I decided to share a few choice pics that have made. I tend to stick mainly to friends of mine and "shop" them with something they enjoy, such as a favorite movie, actor, singer, celebrity, etc.

I have recently joined the "Sad Keanu" and "Strutting Leo" craze that's sweeping the interwebs. You'll see my versions of "Full Metal Keanu" and "Reservoir Leo" on here, the rest are all my friends and family. Enjoy.

Cameron or Cameroff? (get it?)

(O.K., before you judge my title lemme just point out that it is literally 180 degrees outside, with air warnings in effect, so my brain is quite literally "frying".)

I'm sitting here inside my cute little apartment, trying my best to avoid the supernova wave of heat that is hovering outside, just waiting for me to emerge so that it can annihilate me in a fashion somewhat akin to what you would see in any decent vampire movie or tv show. NOT the dopey eyed glittery kind mind you! (my full feelings on THAT hog shit shall be revealed soon...in a new post) anyways...

I'm watching TRUE LIES, a flick that i haven't seen in quite some time, but that i enjoy EVERY single time i watch it. it is quite possibly my favorite James Cameron movie, but upon reflection, i like ALL of his movies! Why? because they're all friggin' good! from Terminator to Titanic, i've enjoyed them all. (which including those is only 6 movies btw!) bottom line, the S.O.B. knows how to tell a story and make it entertaining. thats what the movies are all about. and thats why he has the top 2 highest grossing films of all time, one of which is tied with 2 other films for the most Academy Awards!

I haven't seen Avatar yet, but i'm sure i will enjoy it. i doubt i will get ten-hut while watching it like so many others did, i'm not the biggest fan of all the CGI/3D shit that Hollywood insists on putting in every damn movie that comes out nowadays... i do however, have faith in Mr. Cameron's ability as a professional storyteller, and will put myself in his masterful hands. (that sounded kinda creepy and sexual, but i assure you it was not...you filthy minded creepers you! shame shame!)

OOOOOO! speaking of creepy and sexual, Jamie Lee Curtis' underwear dance scene is starting...oh how this takes me back to '94 when i was 13! yep, gotta go...its too difficult typing with one hand.

(apologies to my marther if she is reading this...)

I'm BAAAACK!

Yes dear friends, that's right.

It has been 5 long years since I last posted a blog. Truthfully, I completely f-ing forgot it was even here. I guess that's how the ol' cookie rolls along the tree stump, I reckon'. But rest assured dear readers, I shall make every effort to slake the potent thirst that has been building up within your precious minds. I shall continue the good fight to bring you random and strange bits from the recesses of my very complex and sometimes extremely filthy brain. Be at ease my faithful flock.

I have returned.

I am here. and I WILL, as Joe Don Baker would so eloquently say, "Go 'head on!"

Who came up with that?

If you're anything like myself, you may sometimes sit around and contemplate things that may be so incredibly profound and thought-provoking, that it may very well be the key to our very existence on this minuscule little grain of sand floating on the never-ending froth of some ridiculousy large ocean, which goes on forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and...(WHACK!) Whoa sorry about that. Tend to zone out every once in a while. Wow, where the hell was I? Oh yeah.
So, I was sitting there, contemplating the fabric of our universe, when all of a sudden a question popped into my head. Who the F*#! came up with the phrase, "I gotta go so bad, my back teeth are floating!"?? I mean, did this person actually experience their own urine getting so backed up inside their bladder, that it made its way all the way up the esophogus, into the mouth? And then the teeth just suddley popped out of the gums, and began floating around inside their mouth like a bunch of baby-ruths in a swimming pool? Use the bushes for goodness sake man! Piss on a baby. Do what ever you gotta do, but sweet holy god, dont float your molars with your own liquid. Not a tic tac in the word is gonna be your friend after that.
This is the kind of shit I think about ALL the time.

The Whole F-ing World's Against Me Dude, I Swear to God.

It's times like this when I wish someone or something (I'm not really picky) would just rip out my intestines with a fork. Or cut my heart out with a spoon ("because its dull you twit, it'll hurt more!") Or give me 1000 papercuts on my face. Or stick my nostrils together with crazy-glue. Or force me to jump naked on huge pile of thumbtacks. Or push me into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor baldes. Or shove my hand in a blender. Or make me clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tounge. Or treat me like a chicken that got caught in a tractor's nuts. Or slam my unit in drawer OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER until it's flat like a pancake (let me stop lying, ok like a kindergardener's little, plastic wont hurt yourself cause the edges arent sharp, ruler.) SWEET BABY JESUS! Is at all possible for anything good to happen for more than a period of 5 minutes? Anyone? Anyone?... yeah thats what I thought.

By the way, if there is anyone out there in TV land that is willing to perform any of the above acts on me, please feel free to call me at 1-800-LIF-SUCKS. I'm manning the phones 24/7. Or if you just need someone to talk to, feel free to call and verbally berate me to very best of your ability. No cut down is to small! All are welcome! I guarrantee you that anything you could possibly throw at me could not come close to the curveballs good 'ol LIFE has given me. But, if you feel you're up to it, BRING IT ON!

all major credit cards excepted. void where prohibited.

Not what he seems...

This is a picture of my baby brother. "Adorable"...I know. This picture was actually taken off an old home movie paused at just the right time to capture this wonderful shot. Anyway, whilst converting this picture to a digital composite file so it is able to be immortalized on the glory that is cyberspace, something rather peculiar happened. At the end of the converting process, I got not 1 but 2 files. Curious, I opened the 1st one. What I found was the lovely picture you see above. Then, I opened the 2nd file. And what appeared before my eyes flabbergasted me to the very fiber of my being! I couldn’t believe my eyes! Could it be!? Is my laptop computer actually revealing what I had long since thought was true? Are my suspicions of the last 22 years finally being concluded with actual, concrete, irrefutable proof? Is my dear, sweet, baby brother not what he seems? Is he in fact...not even human!?!



See for yourself...







BEHOLD!! THE TRUTH ABOUT MY BROTHER FINALLY REVEALED!! They all said I was crazy! But this will show'em, this will show'em all!! No longer will I be cast aside as the lunatic I once was! Now I am part of a whole NEW breed of lunacy! You will all bow down before him one day! You will all live in fear! Where as I will go forth, secure in the knowledge that when the world is his, my death will be quick and painless. At least, that what he says anyway...



A small word of advice...see if your siblings are human. It might just clear things up for you.

Healthy Obsession

Is there such a thing as a "healthy obsession"? I mean you always hear the opposite term. Like in the news or something. You're flipping through the channels trying to find Howard the Duck which is airing for the first time on TBS with the never-before seen added scene in which Howard magically turns into a human, gets to make mad passionate love with Lea Thompson, takes her to this garage in the middle of downtown where Tim Robbins has just finished putting the second coat of wax on his brand new DeLorean, and Howard and Lea steal it to go back in time to put right what once went wrong, but as soon as they are lifted into the air in the hover-converted vehicle and hit 88mph, they crash into a hillside in a giant fireball and they...DIE! I think they decided to cut the scene out ultimately because it was about 20 min into the film when all this happens and George Lucas decided it would be better to let the movie continue in its previously written course. I think his actual words were..."HEY *$%! OFF! I'M GEORGE LUCAS! THIS IS GONNA DO FOR DUCKS WHAT 'STAR WARS' DID FOR LIGHTSABERS!" Anyway, what was I saying? OH YES! Obsessions. Yeah... I don't really have any I don't think. How about you?

Only the beginning...or is it?

Seeing as this is the first of what I am sure will blossom into many interesting, poiniant, topical, insightful, IQ altering posts of the most random things that one could write about, I'd like to take this time to welcome you all to the truly existential quandry that is my mind. Take heed, and beware for you may not like what you find. You may not understand what you find. You may not laugh at what you find. You may not give a @*%! at what you find. Nonetheless, I do welcome you all, and my hope is that I will touch each and every one of you in some way.(and some I hope to touch more than once.) Enjoy your stay, and may the schwartz be with you.